Yeah, it's like that.

Caveat: There's a bunch of "girl stuff" mentioned here. If you happen to be a male relative or close friend I have to look in the eye anytime soon, please stop reading. This is my therapy. I don't care if anyone reads it. If you don't want to read, that's cool. I don't think I'd have much patience for me, if I felt like Me instead of this ghost of me.

Pain isn't quantifiable; I don't care what anyone tells you. Your mind remembers the fear, and the results, and how you felt, but it can't accurately compare one pain to another. At least, my mind can't. Maybe it's a coping mechanism.

But, yeah, endometriosis pain feels something like this.

Pain like what they describe I've had on and off throughout my life. My endo pain has always been worse with ovulation. My periods never seemed severe or particularly "hard" compared to friends or roommates. The pain I had a week and a half ago.. that was the worst, because it didn't stop after 24 hours, or even after 48. It fed on my stress and fear like some hungry monster literally chewing its way out of my stomach. It made me scream during the ambulance ride. It made me gasp for breath and cry out in the middle of the night. It made the full-body itching and crippling nausea of narcotics, (which I'm most definitely, no doubts at all, allergic to) seem like bliss.

Last night the aching cramping pain was back like I had only been 24 hours out of surgery instead of over a week. It wasn't the red-hot, knifing, searing, pain of the week pre-surgery, but I needed two percocet and 3 hours of tossing and turning to fall asleep. Hope it's just menstrual cramps with a side of post-op pain and not a new development of the "this is your life, deal with it" routine.

Today I "yelled" at a friend on the internet and cried over something worthless. Then I made myself get dressed and I made myself do laundry.

Not hungry. Ate a twizzler for breakfast. Ethan pronounces it like "tweeze-ler".