Life Lessons from the Weekend

Here are a few essential Life Lessons I learned while working on the house this weekend.

1. The estimated time of completion for any home improvement factor should be increased by a factor of 5 for each child present in your home. Even a “simple” task like vacuuming the lone 10 ft by 10 ft square of carpet left in your house becomes a chore when you first have to retrieve the vacuum extensions from a band of vicious pirates.

2. The reason home improvement specialist charge 2 arms and 1.5 legs to grout or re-grout ceramic tile is because they have to pay their out-of pocket mental health expenses. No matter how hard you smash, cajole, curse and otherwise force that tile to lie flat, the floor will not be level if the sub floor beneath it wasn’t level to start with.

3. Having the volume on your MP3 player is cranked to “imminent deafness” level and ensuring you cannot therefore hear yourself singing does NOT make you any more able to carry a tune or hit the high notes in that Celine Dion song. Also, Celine Dion? Really? Why? Your children and spouse will love you if you will stop signing all together, but in lieu of that, lay off “My Heart will Go On” before your boys are permanently scarred.

4. In the time you spent bitching about a task you could have completed it already.

5. Yes you WILL have to remove the shades and curtains from that window in order to paint it. Get over it already. (See #4)

6. Kindly recall that you DID remove the shades and curtains from said window when you suddenly decide that it is too hot and that painting in the nude will be ok as the boys are asleep. Your neighbors will thank you for this.

7. Just because you have meticulously color matched the trim paint in every other room in the house does not mean the previous owners were as thoughtful. It is Murphy’s law of painting that the trim you only wanted to “touch up” will be one shade darker than the paint you just merrily slapped on that “one spot”. Previous owners hated you. You should know this by now. See #4 and get to painting.

8. Don’t wash out grouting tools in the tub that has notoriously clogged every other week for the past 6 years. Grout hardens in the absence of water, moron.

Addendum to #8: Draino fumes mixed with paint fumes mixed with grout sealant fumes cannot be a good combination. The switch for the fan is across the floor you just sealed. Idiot.

9. The afore-mentioned curtains did not magically hang themselves while you were in the shower washing off all that paint. That sound you hear is the neighbors weeping.

10. Home improvement is best done in your twenties. Before that time frame you don’t have the money or motivation for it. After that time frame your mind and greed are writing checks your body just can’t cash.

Please excuse me while I go collapse on the bed and contemplate my half painted trim and beautifully grouted bathroom floor.